Dear Eccentric Rec Center People:

Since there isn't much on tv tonight and I'm not really in a reading mood, I decided to compose some letters to some of my favorite eccentric rec center folks. I've been going there so often that unfortunately I've become one of those insufferably obnoxious workout snobs. So here's my vent for the evening, after which I will cease to complain about the rec center for at least a few days.

Dear Sweaty Running Girl,
You might think I am going to complain about your excessive perspiration. After all, you do drip and fling sweat all over the place, your treadmill is covered in huge drops of sweat, and some people are probably more than a little grossed out. But actually, I have a huge runner's crush on you. I can only hope to someday be able to run as fast and long as you, and I'd kill for those legs. Sweat away; you are bad ass! But don't be offended if I won't be on the treadmill next to you.


Dear Hot Pants Chick,
Did your mother ever tell you that you should leave something to the imagination? I know it sucks when your mom is right, but this is one of those times. I don't care to see your butt cheeks and everything else that happens to be showing on account of you confusing underwear for workout shorts. Who exactly are you trying to impress, anyway? The 60 year old guy next to me? The 80 year old guy next to him? The soccer mom down at the end? I understand it's hot in the cardio room, but FFS cover your hoohaa a bit better!


Dear Perfume Girl,
Rule #1 of the gym: do not bathe yourself in perfume before hitting the gym on a Saturday morning. That is just plain RUDE. Breathing at mile 5 is hard enough for me without a nose full of perfume. And FYI, while I don't really care because it doesn't affect me, an inch of makeup is also unnecessary at the gym. You might want to wait until after the workout to look fancy.


Dear Loud Annoying Couple,
I was all ready to complain about your dumb jokes and cheesy attempts at flirting, but I changed my mind. You two are at the rec center quite often and are improving a lot. Talk and flirt away, you're doing great! Most people have given up on their new years resolutions by now but you guys are going strong.


Dear Ladies Wearing Sweat Suits:
Honestly, I don't get it. I promise you, there is not going to be a blizzard inside the cardio room. In fact, it's downright hot in there, and cardio makes you even hotter. I'm sweating like crazy in a tank top with two fans pointed at me, and I just can't understand why anyone would need long thick sweatpants, a turtleneck, and a thick sweatshirt. I would die a scorching, feverish death if I ran in those outfits. Now don't go borrowing Hot Pants Girl's shorts or anything, either. Moderation, people!


Dear People Running at 7.5 MPH and higher:
I. Am. Jealous. If it seems that I'm glaring at you, I don't mean to be rude. I'm just really, really jealous. I want to be you when I grow up.